Antonia hated dating. The thought of putting herself out there frightened her terribly. She'd much rather stay with her painting of insects. Her ant farms and beetle boxes were good company. Still, social conventions she conveniently calls her friends forced her to make an okcupid account.
My Self Summary
Hi there!(... no, no, no that's too emphatic. )
My Self Summary
Hello there. (much better)
I love coffee and art. I draw mostly of insects. I guess you could call me a crazy bug lady (might as well air that out). I have my degree in bio-medical engineering. I'm currently teaching instead because I realized I hate doing office work and the thought of being out in the field sounded dreadful.
What I'm doing with my life
Art and teaching. I teach 6th grade science! So think paper machete volcanoes, but not because I do actual science with them.
Favorite Books, movies, shows etc.
(I guess I like Harry Potter) Harry Potter
(Wait I better throw something serious out there, you know a book that informed my life. But I'm not sure if there was any particular book that informed my life. God, this is so much pressure, this is exactly why I didn't want to do this.) The Alchemist
(Ok now I need a funny tv show to prove I'm not a wet blanket, though I kind of am...) How I met Your Mother
I Spend Alot of time thinking about
( Hmm, thats a difficult question. I mean I think about so many things. Often silly things. I think about insects all the time. Like the fact that when beekeepers are cleaning out their hives, they need to be careful not to accidentally section the queen bee from her worker bees, otherwise the hive won't make any honey and will eventually abandon the hive. But that's not what they mean with this question. They want something that really consumes my life. An indication that in my brain something more important than insects and how I met your mother references is churning. I guess I think about the future, especially my dating future. I mean we all like to put on a brave face and say we don't worry about being alone. And certainly it doesn't consume my thoughts, but those moments, when I'm alone, rewatching youtube videos, the thought crosses through my mind. I wonder if there is actually someone I'd enjoy rewatching youtube videos with. Hrm, what should I write for this section! I mean life an it's existential question of what are we and what's our purpose. I sometimes think of death. I sometimes think of nothing at all!)
My future, my life, my fate
On a typical Friday Night I am
(SKIP!)
You should message me if
You're a nice honest person!
Gerard was 5 foot 11 with a boxer's jaw. He often had a look of stupidity about him. This perception is heightened by his stocky figure. People often thought of him as the dumb jock, who was destined to live out his glory days in high school and live a miserable life as he struggled to get into college. But here he was getting his masters in business, still judged as a the dull-witted muscle head.
(Middle portion of story that I don't want to write right now)
Hey, I think insects are pretty neat! ( who says neat anymore, let's rewrite this)
Hey, I think insects are pretty rad! (maybe she'd get the Fallout reference? No that's farfetch'd and stupid)
Hey, I think insects are cool.
...
...
.....
.......
..........
...............
.................
(strike out I suppose)
(checks if she's online a few times)
(rereads her profile for the 4th time)
...................
(yep, she definitely doesn't like me)
Antonia viewed your profile
(Ok the moment of truth!)
Hmm, Gerard getting his masters in business administration. He likes snow cones. He doesn't look like a jerk. Though he looks like he could be one. He's a bit hulky and I'm so tiny, I don't know if I could be with someone so huge! What if he has anger issues. Ok, that's not fair, I don't even know the guy. I might as well give him a chance.
Hey! That's awesome, what's your favorite insect?
(Fuck, I didn't think she'd ask me what my favorite one is. I can't throw out some generic bug without researching a particular kind. Let's think, hrm, how about ants. They work hard and they're very communal insects. How about red imported ants as my specific favorite insect)
Ants! I think they're so fascinating. I wish I had an ant hill.
Oh I have one at my house, yes they're great, they're my second favorite insect.
Really, which one is your favorite?
Beetles, especially, and this is going to sound nuts, the asian long-horned beetle.
Wow, that is a bit strange, they're given a bit of a bad rap.
I know but they're invasive nature is not their fault! This environment is just without any natural predator of theirs. Otherwise they'd be easy to handle.
Haha, sure. So what brings you to okcupid (fuck I shouldn't ask this, but I might as well)
....
.......
............
...................
................
.........................
(she definitely was put off by that question)
(Hmm what brings you to okcupid, well I don't want to seem too available, but I do want to date)
"Antonia, come clean the dishes" her mother called out
(Darn, I better get on that)
...............................
.....................................
..........................................
...................................................
(I fucked up. I should have known not to be so forward.)
Date 1:
The first date is always the most difficult to pick. Every person has a litany of motivations and outcomes in mind for their first date. It depends on how interested you are with the person you asked out. Do you just think she's kinda cute and hope to make out by the end of the night? Or do you want a long
(more stuff happens)
What are you honestly looking for Antonia?
Hrm? Me? I suppose I'm just looking for someone to hang out with, someone I enjoy spending time with.
Same here! Except sex wouldn't hurt either (did you actually just say that, you fucking creep)
Antonia releases a laugh that sounds forced to Gerard, but was completely normal to her.
Not that I'm only looking for sex, ya know, I'm just. well I'm just going to stop speaking at this point.
But you know what. I'm looking for more than just someone to hang out with, said Gerard.
Oh? Then what are you looking for?
In Virginia there's a landfill that looks gorgeous. It's called mount trashmore and it's a hill made out of trash as the name suggests. There's a park surrounding it and its idyllic, well as idyllic as a mountain of trash can be. Some days I'd sit on it as a kid and just look over the expanse and think wow, this is an amazing view. To think that I could get that sort of view from literally a heap of trash. I kind of think we all have a lot of trash in our lives, but we often try to run away from it. We want to throw it all out, but it's impossible. I want someone to take my trash and rearrange it into a hill.
Haha, I like that. I've always admired ant hills. They serve as refuges against the outside world. They're constructed with extreme precision with intricate tunneling systems. If we were shrunk to the size of ants and were thrown into an ant hill, it'd be a labyrinth to us. But to them it's all familiar. I kind of want an ant hill in my life, an intricate refuge that keeps me safe, while also confusing those around me.
Why do you want to confuse those around you?
So they don't attempt to enter my sacred space.
I understand that. I understand that a lot.
The kiss is the sort of thing that paralyzes everyone on a date. You typically know when to kiss, but you don't want to be the one to misread a situation. An awkward tension begins to fill the air. Antonia leans forward ever so slightly to indicate that she wants to be kissed. Unfortunately Gerard is too busy being nervous and tentative that he misses the obvious call for affection. Instead he leans his head forward to see if she moves in ever so slightly. Antonia is not the best with tact, so she rushes in for the kiss, catching Gerard completely off guard. They say a first kiss dictates the tone of your relationship with someone. Wet and messy is often a sign of a short lived passionless relationship. Hot and bothered is a short lived tryst of sex and angry text massages. There wasn't much to say about this kiss. It was warm and only lasted 4 seconds.
Date 2: (the argument date):
Seconds dates are much easier. You can be more low key because you've already established you're not a complete psycho. Of course it's still not acceptable to suggest "netflix and chill", but no need to go through elaborate lengths to woo someone over. Gerard suggested a Peruvian restaurant that's a bit of a hole in the wall. The food is excellent and Antonia never had Peruvian food before. Little did Gerard know Antonia is horrible with eating out. She's incredibly picky and specific, but didn't want to shoot Gerard down when he emphatically suggested this Peruvian restaurant. Antonia likes very particular foods. Shellfish, but no fish. Hot dogs, but no mustard. Sandwiches, no mayo, no tomatoes and a meat to cheese ratio of 1.5/2. But she spent at least an hour looking up the various dishes on Pollo Inka's menu and was comfortable choosing the arroz chaufa de pollo, which just seemed like fried rice and chicken. Maybe she could ask them to leave out the scallions. No, stop it, I don't want to seem uncultured.
(transition paragraph I don't want to write yet)
You sure you don't want to take that home with you.
Antonia was sure the first time Gerard asked, which led her to become a little ticked off with him asking a second time. The rice was too oily and the chicken seasoning had cilantro, otherwise known as a bar of soap thrown into her food.
Yep, I'm sure.
Ok, if that's what you want.
Hey I know a beautiful park by the water only a 5 minute walk from here, do you want to go?
Regardless of the debacle that was dinner, Antonia was still very much interested in spending more time with Gerard.
Of course.
The park rested right on the water, across stream from the airport. They walked for about an hour through the running track that surrounded a conventional children's park and a baseball field. Finally after 30 minutes of walking in a circle, they decided to sit down and watch the planes take off.
Have you traveled," asked Gerard.
Yes, I have, but only a little. I've been the UK and France.
Wow, I've never left the country. I've always wanted to though.
Why didn't you ever go.
Gerard always tries to hide his humble upbringing from his date. Even throughout college at Yale he could hardly afford any of the great study abroad programs made available to him. He was just a country boy from Virginia, trying his luck at Stern. Everyone he knows has grandiose dreams. He has one dream. He wants to buy his mother a house with a weeping willow in front of it. His mother loves weeping willows. And with his mother at the age of 62, he's running out of time to make her dream a reality.
I never had the time.
Oh, well maybe one day we can travel together.
What? We've only just met each other.
I mean you seem pretty cool and I'm talking about in the future.
I don't really look at the future for things like that. I like to live in the immediate moment.
Oh, I mean a little planning isn't too bad.
Sure, until the plans fall apart because you were too focused on the future. What if this date is followed by a horrible one. What if you find out something about me that you don't like. Then you just spent time thinking about a trip to Spain that isn't going to happen. Even if it was just fictional, we often place emotional attachments to fictional dreams.
Ok if that's the case why even put effort into this date? Why take me to this park, which you most certainly did not come up with on the spot. It was calculated.
You're right. I'm sorry my pessimism was bleeding through a little.
Yea, I don't understand why you'd press me on that.
Sorry Antonia, I don't like rushing into things.
I've been let down a lot in my life and when ever someone tries to get me excited, I typically resist.
That makes some sense, I'm sorry if I seemed to be going to fast.
No, you didn't I just overreacted.
Maybe we both messed up a little.
Perhaps we did.
If you could go somewhere, where would it be then, Antonia said in the hopes to change the subject
I want to go to Poland. I know that my family comes from Poland, though we know no one there. I want to regain something about myself that my family lost. I'm not sure if Warsaw is where I'd find it, but it's a good start.
Poland isn't a typical travel destination, but it's definitely an interesting place to visit, you should go.
And for once Gerard broke his own rule, thinking about himself in that brief moment. A trip to poland would cost thousands, money he won't have until years from now. Even after he gets his job on wall street, he needs to buy his mom a house. He needs to pay his debt to Yale. He needs to help his poor family members out. Poland isn't anywhere in his near future. But at least in this brief moment he can pretend that his own happiness can be fit into his life through this conversation with Antonia.
Maybe I will.
Date 3: (the demons date):
Date 4: ( the love date) :
(Skipping more parts because I'm tired of writing it) So imagine they've had 4 excellent dates.
Text (Gerard): Hey Antonia, I have to be honest with you. I have never been as happy as I was with you last night. I'm really happy I've had the chance to meet you and I hope we keep doing this 8/26/2015 4:41 am
Text (Antonia): I feel the same way. When I'm with you I feel as if I can just escape from the anxieties of my life. Social pressure and expectations melt away. It's like we said, you're my hill (weird bug reference brought up on the first date). 8/26/2015 10 am
Text (Antonia): So what are you up to today? 8/26/2015 10:02 am
............
..................
.........................
...................
Text (Antonia): Hey not sure if you got my text! But I'd love to see you sometime 8/27/2015 11: 05 am
...............
.........................
....................................
.............................................
......................................
Text Antonia: I'm sorry if I freaked you out with the last text. I don't want to rush things (insecurity planted by Gerard in second date). If that's what you're worried about don't worry. We can take things slow. 8/29/2015 11:00 am
"I'm sorry mam, the heart attack happened all of a sudden and while it's rare, for a 23 year old to have, a heart attack is unfortunately not the first assumption a primary care physician will have. He was admitted with chest pains at 9:30 am. He passed away 8/26/2015 at 10:05
Text (Antonia): Gerard, I don't know what this is. I really don't. But I thought we had a connection. I thought we were actually going to be refuges for each other. I felt so comfortable with you. I felt secure, so that I didn't have those thoughts in my head anymore. Please.. if you don't want to see me anymore that's fine, but at least tell me. 9/02.2015 3:00 am
"We'd better go on his social media and let everyone know the horrible news. I know his closest friends already know." said Gerard's mother with a cold tone.
Okcupid message: I'm messaging you on this in the hopes that you'll respond, this will be my last message to you. I was foolish to think that I could find something significant online. The anonymity, the ability to completely dissolve in the background of someone's life is too alluring when the prospect of commitment looms. I'm not sure if I hurt you or scared you. But you hurt me. You've hurt me because I was honestly excited to be with someone who made me happy (possible bad exes mention on the third date).
Gerard was a loving individual who only wanted to share that joy with the world. He loved snow cones/ As a kid he would go to mount trashmore, a landfill in Virginia and just look out at the countryside for hours. He'd always tell me, "mom one day I'm going to have my own hill to look out from." (obituary will reference all the things he reveals with Antonia throughout their 4 dates.
